[OOM: Up on the roof]

[mnt_raph]

*Raph had forgotten how much of a pain in the ass the tent was to set up by himself. He'd had Andrew to help with the set up and break down on their trip, and Death was there the last time he needed to put it on the roof.

Death.
He misses her so much.

He wipes at the sweat beading on his forehead, and is greeted in turn by the stinging, burning sensation that comes with having a quickly developing sunburn.*

Great. Just great.

Comments

[the-damsel.livejournal.com]

"You don't know me at all," she breathed, astounded.

[mnt_raph]

no. i don't. not like this.

*Not as an equal.*

[the-damsel.livejournal.com]

"It was always you. You stupid, stubborn bastard."

[mnt_raph]

*Raph looks back up at her, blinking a few times as he does so.*

what?!

[the-damsel.livejournal.com]

April supposed he had every right to be startled, because she was a little startled herself. Didn't change it from being true.

"What do you think love is?" she asked with a sigh and then turned away again.

[mnt_raph]

*He shrugs lamely.*

depends. we talkin' then or we talkin' now.

*He can't explain it. It's the difference polorized lenses make on a blindly sunny day. Or how your tongue feels just before it burns, and in the time it takes to heal.

He knew what it felt like to love before. Loyalty. Honor. Family.
But now there are more things, more emotions to take into account. Attraction. Desire. Lust.*

[the-damsel.livejournal.com]

"We're talking always," April replied, frustrated. It was difficult to make sense of it to him when she couldn't put her finger on it herself.

She paused, and looked back to him, her gaze almost defiant.

"This isn't about sex."

[mnt_raph]

*Raph sputters.*

I didn't say it was!

[the-damsel.livejournal.com]

"You were thinking it."

So was she, but that was beside the point.

[mnt_raph]

I was, but only because of you. Because of what this makes me think of.

*Again, he gestures to himself.*

[the-damsel.livejournal.com]

April's eyes softened, and on impulse she reached out to touch his cheek.

"What does it make you think of?" she asked quietly, her hand slipping down to press its palm against his chest, over his heart. The steady rhythm beneath her fingertips was comforting.

[mnt_raph]

*Again he shrugs, but this time looks away.*

an itch that can't be scratched. not havin' to be afraid. warm bed on a cold morning.

*Her. He has the good sense to leave off that last part.*

[the-damsel.livejournal.com]

He was confusing her even more than she was confusing herself. Part of her understood that internal battle, but part of her wondered why it required such a fight.

"Are you afraid of me?" she asked, staring back at him even though he had looked away, her hand still over his heart.

Are you afraid of Us?

[mnt_raph]

no. never.

*He's still avoiding her direct gaze. Still trying not to feel her hand on his chest.

Just beneath her hand, and above his chest, is a small silver charm.*

[the-damsel.livejournal.com]

"Then why aren't you looking at me?" Her voice was quiet, undemanding. Curiosity tinged with concern.

[mnt_raph]

honestly? i'm a little freaked out right now.

[the-damsel.livejournal.com]

"Because it's me, or just because?"

[mnt_raph]

think it's a little bit o'everthin'.

[the-damsel.livejournal.com]

April's head dipped forward with a low sigh.

"I'm..." She paused, trying to collect her thoughts and calm the beat of her heart. "I'm sorry for feeling this way." She swallowed. "I'm afraid to ask anything else. How stupid." Her hand fell away.

"I've ruined everything," she whispered.

[mnt_raph]

No. You haven't...I just...I can't.

i'm sorry.

*Raph makes no effort to reach out to her. Of course, this also means he's not pulling away either.*

[the-damsel.livejournal.com]

"Because of me, or because of her?"

She had to know, although she wasn't sure what good it would do.

[mnt_raph]

i love Her. I always have.
even back before i knew She was Her at all.

[the-damsel.livejournal.com]

"I know." This was true enough. When she had been told, it had come as little surprise.

Simply, "This hurts." Not said with emotion nor tears, not elaborated upon, and perhaps most importantly, not at all for the most obvious reason.

[mnt_raph]

'm sorry. i don't mean it to hurt.

[the-damsel.livejournal.com]

A surge of anger whipped through her, and she nearly spat Yes you do, but caught herself in time for the impulse to pass. She wanted to hurt him, because he was hurting her. Hurting her far more than he could ever, ever know.

"I thought I was your girl," she sighed, her shoulders slumped, defeated. She didn't need an answer; wasn't looking for one, and so turned away again before the full realization could settle upon her.

We were not what I always thought. I was... expendable. Replaceable. Unworthy.